Substitute Teacher
by Renegade of Sanity
Summary: Good News Everyone! Tristian Academy now has a new teacher


Louise looked over at the old grandfather clock standing in the corner of the classroom. The sound of its pendulum swinging back and forth each second made the agonizing boredom more and more difficult. It wasn't like this for Professor Colbert to be late; he was often the first teacher up and ready for his job. _He better not of injured himself with his one of his inventions again,_ Louise thought.

Yet before the pink-haired mage could leave in search of their missing professor, the classroom door was flung wide open. The once chattering students, startled by the bang of a metal doorknob hitting a brick wall, all turned their attention to the man standing in the doorway. He was completely bald with shriveled light skin, a white labcoat, fuzzy slippers and spectacles as thick as shot glasses.

"Good news everyone! Mister Colbert is in the hospital for third degree burns so I'm going to be your teacher for a while." Everyone's mouths went agape in shock. Some of them even started tearing up a bit. "Now does anyone have any questions? Yes, you there, little girl.

"It's Lousie. Louise Françoise Le Blanc de La Vallière, Professor," she replied with wet eyes. "And-and is Professor Colbert going to be alright?"

"Oh, most defiantly not. Third degree burns are incredibly difficult to heal even by the most skilled healers."

"H-how was he injured?"

"He was doing an experiment and everything went horribly wrong. I should know, I was there, and it was incredibly fortunate that only thirty people were killed."

The entire class stared at him in shock. Louise sank her face into her desk and began to weep.

"Oh don't give me that look. They were just commoners, you can buy them on the black market for less than a sandwich. Now let's stop wasting time and get down to business. I am Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth and I'm your new fire mage teacher everyone!" he said as he wrote his name on the chalkboard. "Now, who can tell me what the element of fire represents?"

"Passion?" Kirche answered hesitantly.

"No, not at all and whoever taught you that is an idiot."

"Professor Colbert taught me that..." Kirche mumbled under her breath, which was deaf to the Professor's old ears.

"In actuality, fire represents pain and destruction." Out of all the ways to die, being burned alive is without a doubt the most agonizing. Which is why I keep myself covered in a layer of flame retardant gel at all times." Pulling out a jar from his coat pocket, The Professor rubbed his frail skin with some sort of white gel. On closer inspection, the students all realized it was just butter.

"I think our new teacher might be a little bit -you know- crazy," Kirche whispered to Tabitha who nodded in agreement.

"Did someone just call me crazy?"

"How the hell did he hear me?"

"They used to call me the Mad Inferno you know, they still do in fact. But let me tell you this, everyone. Is it crazy to try and create an army of hybrid dragon-mage supermen, steel golems with a thirst for human blood or a giant death ray capable of vaporizing entire cities?"

"Um..yes-"

"Because if exploring the boundaries of science and magic without any regards to morality or human safety is insane then breathing might be as well! Oh, and that reminds me, I brought over a little invention of mine. Here. Catch!" Professor Farnsworth said as he pulled out a crimson ruby and tossed it towards Guiche who caught it with one hand.

"What is this exactly?" he asked as he closely inspected the gem. "It looks sort of like a windstone."

"I call it a firestone. It's a stone that contains the power of one billion flames inside of it. Oh, and be very very careful with it. It's incredibly fragile and if it were to break, everyone in this school and possibly the capital will be instantly vaporized in a fiery explosion."

" _Gulp."  
_  
"Now why don't you pass it around the class. I'm sure everyone would love to take a close work at an incredibly volatile weapon of mass destruction."

Guiche carefully placed the firestone down unto his desk. "Um...I think everyone has a good enough view from where they already are."

"Really?" The Professor adjusted his glasses as he focused in on the stone. "Because it's quite difficult to see where I'm standing."

"Oh, we can definitely see it," Kirche nervously replied with everyone nodding in agreement with her.

"Well in that case, I better go grab it then."

"NO!"

"Eh, what?"

"Just stay there. I'll place it on your desk for you," ordered Guiche.

"Oh I see how it is. You think just because I'm 210-years-old, I can't make a simple trip to grab a stone. Well I'm more than capable of making a twenty feet trip you dickless middle-age brats!" Professor Farnsworth said as he furiously walked towards Guiche's desk at a leisurely pace of less than one kilometer an hour.

"We're sixteen..."

"Whatever! You all look the same to me!" The Professor snatched the firestone with his hand. A frail, bony hand that was thickly covered in butter. Luckily for the students (along with everyone else in a twenty kilometre radius), the Professor's grip was just tight enough to prevent the stone from slipping loose. "And you there! Louise! Quit your whining!"

The pink-haired girl lifted her tear soaked face off of her desk and looked up at her new teacher. "I'm- I'm sorry Professor Farnsworth. It's- it's just hard to hear about Colbert being hurt."

"Well people die and get injured all the time. Get over it! Now if you're gonna keep on distracting my class by being such a baby, you might as well just fly out of my class!" Professor Farnsworth snapped his fingers towards the open window and the firestone flew from his buttery hands, straight out of the classroom.

"Whoops!"

Crashing against the bark of a tree, the firestone shattered and exploded into a fiery blast. Fortunately for many, the Earth and Water Mages of the class had already cast a thick wall made of stone and ice. However, the wall was of little use as the explosive inferno easily broke through. The dozens of students were all launched back at high speeds with plenty of them including the Professor all knocked out by the blast. Those who were still awake let out pain coughs and groans as they lifted themselves back up and dusted the mess off of their clothes in the now soot covered classroom.

"Well Louise, looks like somebody finally has you beat when it comes to explosives," Kirche teased.

"Oh shut your mouth Zerbst."

 **Substitute Teacher (Futurama Crossover)**


End file.
